BYOB.RSVP.ASAP.

the simplest way to throw a smash hit party and be a smash hit host is to get your guests smash drunk. many a do at the headless kitchen has culminated with the hosts passed out in bed and the guests draped over toilet seats and window sills, with yet others passing out cold and cracking their skulls on the refrigerator while reaching for their gazillionth chilled beer. inexplicably, our guests have always called back the next day to tell us what a wonderful time they had and what gracious hosts we were. even more surprisingly, they always came to the next party and brought along friends.

the last party the chocolateuse and i threw had us in a bit of a fix since we were flat broke the weekend we decided to have it. so we told the friends to bring along booze and spent an evening putting together a three course alcoholic’s delight for dinner. our menu for the night featured vodka watermelons for starters, pasta in vodka sauce for main course and rum chocolate sauce with ice cream for dessert. to be honest, the chocolateuse and i had no idea how brilliant this plan was until we got through our plates of pasta and found ourselves staggering around the kitchen to serve up dessert. it was a deadly cocktail – the combination of alcohol induced munchies, the unsuspecting ladling up of the plate and the swift kick of vodka/rum that followed thereafter.



vodka watermelons



step one: purchase two watermelons, a bottle of plain vodka and a pint bottle of flavoured vodka (we used vanilla).

step two: halve the watermelons, core the middle, slice up the rest of the flesh inside the watermelon.

step three: split the plain vodka and the flavoured vodka between the four watermelon halves, cover with plates, stick them into the refrigerator at least 5 hours before the party begins to allow time enough for the vodka to seep in.

step four: serve up in bowls with toothpicks or in glasses with soda to top it off.

pasta in vodka sauce (makes enough sauce for several meals or enough for approximately 10 drunken revelers. you can store the extra sauce in the fridge and use it over the week or freeze it if you expect it to last longer)



step one: boil pasta, toss in olive oil and set aside.

step two: chop a bunch of spring onions and 150gms of shallots, mince 4 fat pods of garlic. sauté these in two table spoons of oil along with a teaspoon of chilli flakes and a teaspoon of sugar until the onions begin to carmelize.

step three: pour in a 28 oz can of pureed tomatoes and cook over a low flame until the sauce begins to bubble and pop.

step four: pour in a cup of vodka and continue cooking on a slow flame until the sauce begins to bubble and pop again.

step five: stir in half a cup of fresh cream and keep stirring until the sauce becomes thick and smooth.

step six: garnish with a bunch of roughly torn basil and grated cheese of your choice.

step seven: mix in the pasta before the party begins since the whole point is to be in no condition to help your guests perfect the delicate balance of sauce and pasta by dinner time.

rum chocolate sauce (makes enough for at least 10 people with enough left over for private consumption)



step one: soak half a cup of raisins in old monk the night before – earlier, if possible, raisins get better with every extra minute that they marinate in rum.

step two: make a 'spice concentrate' - boil cardamom/cloves/pepper/cinnamon/star anise in 3/4th cup water until it reduces to 1/2 a cup. dissolve 5gm instant coffee granules in it.

step three: finely chop and melt 300g of excellent dark chocolate + 1/2 cup 'spice concentrate'. you can do this in a double boiler if you are a purist, but i'd just stick the bowl into the microwave for 15-25 seconds. take the bowl out and stir until the chocolate has melted and is smooth.

step four: add 100g soft brown sugar + 250ml fresh cream and keep stirring until smooth and creamy. (microwave for 5-10 secs if the mixture is too hard to stir)

step five: stir in the alcohol soaked rasisins along with any alcohol left at the bottom.

step six: serve warm over ice cream or pretty much anything else. even better, eat it by itself, by yourself :)

*note to the wise and wary* we suggest you stock up on plastic cutlery and a lot of garbage bags to go with this menu. it’s not exactly the kind of dinner plan that you bring out the best china for. we also recommend that you get all your cooking done in advance and show your guests where the food, booze, loos and first aid box are located so you can pass out in peace.