THE most wonderous invention never made

we’ve been thinking about this for a long time at the headless kitchen, but ever since we’ve put a ban on tobacco it’s become something of an obsession: WHY WHY WHY hasn’t the snack food industry come up with virtual food yet?


virtual food could be the invention of the century you know. imagine buying a stack of virtual pringles, or a virtual happy meal, or a cone of virtual baskin robbins, or a slab of virtual cadbury’s, or a pot of virtual nutella, or virtual brownies, or virtual cheese, or virtual coke, or hell, virtual anything your heart desires, and blissfully bingeing on it until your eyes pop.


except it's just fresh air or some such guilt free substance that crunches and melts and tastes like the real mcoy.


a bit like virtual sex, only better.


do you know how much time they wasted figuring out how to reconstitute the potato fry and the potato chip? do you have any idea how many gazillion trillion zillions worth of junk the snack food industry cooks up to sell us every year?


google it, my friends, because we don’t know how to count beyond what the weighing scales tell us at the headless kitchen.


it really doesn’t take a genius to figure out that virtual food could make the snack food tycoons richer than they have the good sense to think of.


but no, they’d rather sell us their dodgy shit than sell us virtually nothing!

dr.melanie’s debut dinner

dr.melanie works long and hard at keeping me motivated in the headless kitchen. she oooh-s and ahhh-s seductively over the gorgeous texture and flavour of my daals and soups and thai curries, moans over the divine creaminess of my impromptu experiments with paneer, coos over the perfect way in which i assemble salad, powder pepper, boil water…and yes, she means every word of it!

but even so, there came a day some weeks ago when the doctor was cornered into taking the desperate measure of cooking dinner. this was the horrific eventuality she had dreaded and evaded ever since erica flew back to the states...the day when her favourite diet of paneer salsa wrap, pop corn and coke would begin to lose its charm, to the point where she would have to take recourse in the headless *gasp* kitchen.

setting aside her reservations regarding cooking, the doctor elected to get creative with potatoes, the comfort food classic, for her debut performance.

first, she cooked the potatoes the long way: by bubbling them in an open vessal until they were soft enough to slide a knife through.

next, she placed the boiled potatoes on a platter and coarsely quartered them with their jackets left tastefully on.

thereafter, she opened the fridge door wide and stood critically contemplating its contents for a long time. i wonder what would happen if we put some cold blobs of butter on those piping potatoes…and hmMm, some nice blobs of cheese…mmmMMMm! since the doctor is a woman of action, each piping hot potato peak was soon drowning under a gleaming deluge of melting butter and cheese. swiftly, generously, fearlessly, dr.melanie's sure hands applied the brick of cheese to the scraper.

voila! she exclaimed as the trembling mountain of cheese gently began to sweat into the steaming potatoes.

wait, wait, wait…one last thing! i exclaimed, as she handed me a fork and took one herself.

wHAttttttTTTTTTt?! the doctor snarled back at me, clearly impatient to get started on a feast well earned.

p-pepper...this needs p-pepper to make it p-p-p-perfect... i stuttered, cowering under her blazing eye.

the good doctor put down her folk, pounded the five colour malabar pepper melange, sprinkled it like confetti over the platter and stood back to survey her mouth watering masterpiece one last time before she devoured it for dinner.

BYOB.RSVP.ASAP.

the simplest way to throw a smash hit party and be a smash hit host is to get your guests smash drunk. many a do at the headless kitchen has culminated with the hosts passed out in bed and the guests draped over toilet seats and window sills, with yet others passing out cold and cracking their skulls on the refrigerator while reaching for their gazillionth chilled beer. inexplicably, our guests have always called back the next day to tell us what a wonderful time they had and what gracious hosts we were. even more surprisingly, they always came to the next party and brought along friends.

the last party the chocolateuse and i threw had us in a bit of a fix since we were flat broke the weekend we decided to have it. so we told the friends to bring along booze and spent an evening putting together a three course alcoholic’s delight for dinner. our menu for the night featured vodka watermelons for starters, pasta in vodka sauce for main course and rum chocolate sauce with ice cream for dessert. to be honest, the chocolateuse and i had no idea how brilliant this plan was until we got through our plates of pasta and found ourselves staggering around the kitchen to serve up dessert. it was a deadly cocktail – the combination of alcohol induced munchies, the unsuspecting ladling up of the plate and the swift kick of vodka/rum that followed thereafter.



vodka watermelons



step one: purchase two watermelons, a bottle of plain vodka and a pint bottle of flavoured vodka (we used vanilla).

step two: halve the watermelons, core the middle, slice up the rest of the flesh inside the watermelon.

step three: split the plain vodka and the flavoured vodka between the four watermelon halves, cover with plates, stick them into the refrigerator at least 5 hours before the party begins to allow time enough for the vodka to seep in.

step four: serve up in bowls with toothpicks or in glasses with soda to top it off.

pasta in vodka sauce (makes enough sauce for several meals or enough for approximately 10 drunken revelers. you can store the extra sauce in the fridge and use it over the week or freeze it if you expect it to last longer)



step one: boil pasta, toss in olive oil and set aside.

step two: chop a bunch of spring onions and 150gms of shallots, mince 4 fat pods of garlic. sauté these in two table spoons of oil along with a teaspoon of chilli flakes and a teaspoon of sugar until the onions begin to carmelize.

step three: pour in a 28 oz can of pureed tomatoes and cook over a low flame until the sauce begins to bubble and pop.

step four: pour in a cup of vodka and continue cooking on a slow flame until the sauce begins to bubble and pop again.

step five: stir in half a cup of fresh cream and keep stirring until the sauce becomes thick and smooth.

step six: garnish with a bunch of roughly torn basil and grated cheese of your choice.

step seven: mix in the pasta before the party begins since the whole point is to be in no condition to help your guests perfect the delicate balance of sauce and pasta by dinner time.

rum chocolate sauce (makes enough for at least 10 people with enough left over for private consumption)



step one: soak half a cup of raisins in old monk the night before – earlier, if possible, raisins get better with every extra minute that they marinate in rum.

step two: make a 'spice concentrate' - boil cardamom/cloves/pepper/cinnamon/star anise in 3/4th cup water until it reduces to 1/2 a cup. dissolve 5gm instant coffee granules in it.

step three: finely chop and melt 300g of excellent dark chocolate + 1/2 cup 'spice concentrate'. you can do this in a double boiler if you are a purist, but i'd just stick the bowl into the microwave for 15-25 seconds. take the bowl out and stir until the chocolate has melted and is smooth.

step four: add 100g soft brown sugar + 250ml fresh cream and keep stirring until smooth and creamy. (microwave for 5-10 secs if the mixture is too hard to stir)

step five: stir in the alcohol soaked rasisins along with any alcohol left at the bottom.

step six: serve warm over ice cream or pretty much anything else. even better, eat it by itself, by yourself :)

*note to the wise and wary* we suggest you stock up on plastic cutlery and a lot of garbage bags to go with this menu. it’s not exactly the kind of dinner plan that you bring out the best china for. we also recommend that you get all your cooking done in advance and show your guests where the food, booze, loos and first aid box are located so you can pass out in peace.

kundi mallipoo

that means an asshole that is as velvety, sweet and fragrant as the chameli. it is the holy grail that the animal kingdom sniffs for when looking for love, when making friends and even when simply saying hello. they have it figured, i assure you. whether you kundi mallipoo someone is the acid test of the chemistry your bodies cook up.

for instance, kubla khan’s furry pink asshole always makes my mouth water. if thirty two years of tam brahm conditioning on notions of purity, and the floating specter of my mother recoiling in disgust hadn't been holding me back every single time i see it winking up at me, i swear i’d have my tongue up it right now. (yes, yes, retching’s one of the occupational hazards of eating at the headless kitchen. please pay attention now.)

acp pappoo singh’s asshole inspires a completely different gustatory instinct. it’s prissy pucker as he minces across the room with his tail held up in disapproval of me sets my teeth on edge. the only reason pappoo singh hasn’t been served up as pussy rump roast with a side dish of pickled prissy pucker is because kubla’s addicted to pureed prissy pucker for dessert. (no, this is not because i kundi mallipoo kubla so much that i’m a slave to his desires. well, not entirely. it’s because to be considerate of each other’s refinements is the second clause in the headless kitchen’s bylaws. the first clause is to eat the early bird and save the worm for bait.)

there is a high possibility that if you are still reading kind reader, you would have begun wondering where all of this is headed. my apologies for taking such a meandering approach to the main course, but at the headless kitchen we do not endorse the domino’s fuckedupfoodinaflash philosophy. now that we have clarified this point, here are the first recipes from the headless kitchen’s diaries:

pussy rump roast

step one: find a fat cat with a juicy rump.

step two: precisely follow this recipe for roast beef on simplyrecipes, taking care to substitute a hearty cut of pussy in place of the heart attack elise has up there as her base ingredient.

step three: save any leftovers for pussy roast pinwheels and you’ll be the host with the most at your next house party.

pussy roast pinwheels

step one: defrost the remains of your pussy rump roast. if i were you i’d also oven toast them with a dash of olive oil to restore their flavour and texture.

step two: take your pick from any of these pinwheel recipes.

step three: don’t forget to garnish with a toothpick ornament even if you are dining solo. remember, there’s no pinwheel without a toothpick – i think it’s just shocking that pinwheel recipes so often forget to point this out!

pickled pussy pucker

step one: cull that phucker’s ass.

step two: pick your pickle. this is an elaborate decision making process with a number of key variables – like which part of the country you trace back your gene pool to, what you have at hand or can purchase with convenience and what your gastronomical pretences are. as for me, i'd pickle pappoo’s asshole in vinegar like these devilishly tasty little onions they serve up at moti mahal.

pureed pussy pucker

step one: be at the right place at the right time in the right position, viz directly in line of sight, smell and taste of pappoo’s poopy fresh ass.