kundi mallipoo

that means an asshole that is as velvety, sweet and fragrant as the chameli. it is the holy grail that the animal kingdom sniffs for when looking for love, when making friends and even when simply saying hello. they have it figured, i assure you. whether you kundi mallipoo someone is the acid test of the chemistry your bodies cook up.

for instance, kubla khan’s furry pink asshole always makes my mouth water. if thirty two years of tam brahm conditioning on notions of purity, and the floating specter of my mother recoiling in disgust hadn't been holding me back every single time i see it winking up at me, i swear i’d have my tongue up it right now. (yes, yes, retching’s one of the occupational hazards of eating at the headless kitchen. please pay attention now.)

acp pappoo singh’s asshole inspires a completely different gustatory instinct. it’s prissy pucker as he minces across the room with his tail held up in disapproval of me sets my teeth on edge. the only reason pappoo singh hasn’t been served up as pussy rump roast with a side dish of pickled prissy pucker is because kubla’s addicted to pureed prissy pucker for dessert. (no, this is not because i kundi mallipoo kubla so much that i’m a slave to his desires. well, not entirely. it’s because to be considerate of each other’s refinements is the second clause in the headless kitchen’s bylaws. the first clause is to eat the early bird and save the worm for bait.)

there is a high possibility that if you are still reading kind reader, you would have begun wondering where all of this is headed. my apologies for taking such a meandering approach to the main course, but at the headless kitchen we do not endorse the domino’s fuckedupfoodinaflash philosophy. now that we have clarified this point, here are the first recipes from the headless kitchen’s diaries:

pussy rump roast

step one: find a fat cat with a juicy rump.

step two: precisely follow this recipe for roast beef on simplyrecipes, taking care to substitute a hearty cut of pussy in place of the heart attack elise has up there as her base ingredient.

step three: save any leftovers for pussy roast pinwheels and you’ll be the host with the most at your next house party.

pussy roast pinwheels

step one: defrost the remains of your pussy rump roast. if i were you i’d also oven toast them with a dash of olive oil to restore their flavour and texture.

step two: take your pick from any of these pinwheel recipes.

step three: don’t forget to garnish with a toothpick ornament even if you are dining solo. remember, there’s no pinwheel without a toothpick – i think it’s just shocking that pinwheel recipes so often forget to point this out!

pickled pussy pucker

step one: cull that phucker’s ass.

step two: pick your pickle. this is an elaborate decision making process with a number of key variables – like which part of the country you trace back your gene pool to, what you have at hand or can purchase with convenience and what your gastronomical pretences are. as for me, i'd pickle pappoo’s asshole in vinegar like these devilishly tasty little onions they serve up at moti mahal.

pureed pussy pucker

step one: be at the right place at the right time in the right position, viz directly in line of sight, smell and taste of pappoo’s poopy fresh ass.